Jaime Mathis and The Words

Some places you love before you've even felt its wind on your face. It hollers, "Home! Welcome back! I missed you!" Iceland is breaking my soul in two. The wildness of its high, lava scattered plain, Wind and rain twirling the air until you can't tell if it's fog or hot springs or gods breathing across the land. I had a friend in Spokane back in the day, who described the feeling of intense love as "The Cheenies". Good old Beth Mort, she used to get so excited about someone that she'd experience the need to squeeze them until their head popped off. It wasn't about violence, but rather that heart rush of WOW that sometimes makes you want to collapse into the sensation of being rocked in wonder. Yep, Iceland. You are giving me the Cheenies. And it's wonderful because I'm never going to be able to tame you or hold you or even come close to owning you. All I can do is marvel at your stark mountains rolling into green valley ...

In the aftermath of the events in the Eld-Mathis family earlier this year, I found myself taking the last three months to come back into a sense of normalcy…or rather, to reflect and begin to integrate the lessons and well, LIFE, that happened so hard and fast. I often find that when life is at its fullest and richest, I have very little to say on the page. Of course, sensational and challenging things like brain tumors and miscarriages are very specific and immediate so they are more accessible and easily described, if not entirely absorbed at the time. But now, I am facing incredible goodness and joy…soaking in moment after moment of beauty and light and the words just…lie sleeping like a dog on a hot day. Not being able to paint a scene of my joy in the moment bothered me for many years until I realized that creativity, like breathing, has its cycles. You must LIVE and THEN write instead of expecting yourself to extrapolate an exact representation of the glory you are b...

My grandmother died days after Tobias came home from the hospital. It is incredible how events like death can become supporting details when so many major life shifts happen at once.  She transitioned from body to pure spirit when no one was looking at her, in the brief moment between blinks when attention turned elsewhere and she was unobserved.  I sat with her for several hours, holding space and vigil in the days leading up to and the day of her passing.  There is power in this liminal space, watching a soul between worlds…partially in the body yet moving toward the non-physical realm. Her breath was audible and flowed through her open mouth, her eyes half open and half closed…as though she watched a show meant for her alone. And yet, it is a show we all face at some point in these bodies-perhaps there will be time to prepare, but it often plays without a minute’s notice to gather your popcorn and put your affairs in order.   The power...

Oh my people, family, community, heart! Can you believe that just over one week ago, Tobias was coming out of brain surgery?! It’s almost literally blowing my mind at how much has happened in 12 days. At how far Tobias has progressed on his path to recovery. At how re-integrating all of us into new roles at home has been playing out. Espen said the other day, “I need the MOST ATTENTION!!!” as I was attending to Tobias. We then had a conversation ranking who needs the most attention in order of Espen’s preference. 1.        Espen 2.        Dad 3.        Mom “Mama, you need the littlest attention right now, right?” I had to think about that because in a way, he’s quite accurate, in another, very wrong. Tobias is to the point now that he is walking the same number of steps (or more) than he was on an average day before the surgery. People from the Warrior Room (Morgan! Kile...

We were up at 4am in order to arrive at the hospital by 5:30am. Showing up for brain surgery before you normally even think of waking up draws certain parallels to international travel. It's as though long journeys seem to feel obligated to administer a pre-test of fortitude and conviction before extensive adaptations begin. As if to say, "Do you REALLY mean to go through with this?" It was an excited sleep that preceded the early wake up, which essentially means, not much was had. But nevermind--when Tobias is ready to do something, neither hell nor early mornings will stand in his way. And he was ready. There is a certain level of Fate that buoys you in times like these, rather like stepping into the inevitable flow of a tide pulling you out to the deeper sea. In these moments, the action required is to go with the current and trust that your lungs will continue to act as a preserver. So far, they are standing us in good stead. Being awake for brain surger...

Change can really suck.  Unexpected change can amplify an already uncomfortable experience to levels that seem impossible. I know whereof I speak.  Many of you can probably relate when I say my life has been a series of unanticipated changes.  For many years, I thought I was special in this. That somehow, I, and perhaps my immediate family, had been earmarked by Fate to receive a lion's share of daunting challenges without sufficient preparation.  Starting with cancer at 8 years old, I had all the proof I needed that life was not going to play predictable or nice--so I hunkered down to prepare for a lifetime of being the "one in a million chance" of having unwelcome discomfort, illness, or tragedy befall me without warning.  Sound dismal? It kind of was.  Being raised in a conservative Christian home, I had Satan and sin to blame for the struggles and pain of being human, but that did little to relieve me in the moment to ...

This post is for my healing and for all the other women who have experienced miscarriage and not known how to talk about it, if it's alright to talk about it, or felt completely side-swiped by the actual process of releasing the possibility of life.  There's a lot of blood when you have a miscarriage at 12 weeks. According to the How Pregnant Are You sites, the fetus is the size of a lime. I have to say these words because for the last 36 hours I've been bleeding and numb. Yesterday I cried and groaned and wailed for a half hour because that was what came out of my body along with used up air and spent effort creating life. I really wasn't expecting this. I woke up Thursday morning with a little dried blood on my legs but thought, "That's ok, I'm having a child. This is nothing to be concerned about." I was so sure I was having this baby in spite of all the reasons my body could have to let it pass. Yes, my life is filled with uncertainty rig...