Fuckity Fuck Fuck And Other Non Enlightened Updates on Tobias and Our Life

Oh my people, family, community, heart! Can you believe that just over one week ago, Tobias was coming out of brain surgery?!

It’s almost literally blowing my mind at how much has happened in 12 days. At how far Tobias has progressed on his path to recovery. At how re-integrating all of us into new roles at home has been playing out.

Espen said the other day, “I need the MOST ATTENTION!!!” as I was attending to Tobias. We then had a conversation ranking who needs the most attention in order of Espen’s preference.

1.       Espen

2.       Dad

3.       Mom

“Mama, you need the littlest attention right now, right?”

I had to think about that because in a way, he’s quite accurate, in another, very wrong.

Tobias is to the point now that he is walking the same number of steps (or more) than he was on an average day before the surgery. People from the Warrior Room (Morgan! Kiley!), friends, (Sam!) and family (Trillium!) have come walking with him each day and it is tremendously healing for him.

In fact, he’s almost up to Camino level distances…12 miles one day 14 another. If he didn’t have a gigantic scar arcing across his scalp, you’d almost never know he had a core sample removed from his brain.

All that said, pathology is now completely in as of today, genetic makeup of the walnut diagnosed and digested. We were hoping for a Grade 1, Never Coming Back, Benign Annoyance that would fade into a distant memory. What we have is a grade 2, 4 out of 5 genetic markers on the “good” side, 1 on the “darn” side. While it seems that we will mostly keep an eye on his brain via scans and not do chemo and radiation, it is, as Tobias’ says, “Going to keep me on my toes.”

Fuckadoodle. Let me just say, for the record, that though I am a strong, resilient, committed woman, I am also human.

Today is a very human day and I wanted to post something from that perspective to illustrate that while meditation, yoga, and having a stellar community makes these situations sustainable, there is still a heavy helping of SUCKS ASS that exists. Being able to stay calm, keep your shit together, and remain kind and open hearted are the priceless fruits of sustained practice, and suffering be REAL, my people.

So after yoga today, I drove to Willamette Falls to hear Tobias deliver the “Not devastating, but not as great as we hoped” news and then cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I was crying for the possibility of him having to go through this trial by fire again, for the baby that died in my womb 3 weeks ago, for my grandmother who crossed over 2 days ago, and for my little boy who can’t touch his dad because he has a cold and Tobias can’t sneeze without potentially hurting his recovering brain.

While I was snort-crying-snotting everywhere, I remembered my meditation teacher saying that karma always works as gently as it can to balance and resolve. And you know, whether you believe in karma, one life, or nothing at all, the fact is, in the moment, life can still hurt like a motherfucker.

But ok. I’ve lived enough life and suffered enough that I KNOW in my BONES that resisting what shows up just makes it hurt worse. So as bad as it stings today, I’m sitting in the car, gulping, “OK, ok, ok…yes, yes, yes…” because I want it to move. It IS moving at speeds that are rivaling light itself. And I can either scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo and writhe longer, or I can writhe and say yes to whatever comes from my bigger perspective, even while my limited view of things from this body hollers, “FUCKING HELL, NO THANK YOU!”

So I’m both today.

Little Jaime In A Body is ready to throw in the towel and go down swinging with a big dose of the Heroic Martyr on top.

Big Me Of Cosmic Perspective is holding this experience in its limitless heart and soothing my little self with a delicious coffee and a beautiful moment to express myself.

Life in a body is so deliriously BOTH. And today I’m so dizzy on the surface it’s hard to stand without weeping.

And it’s so damn beautiful my cosmic heart is afire.