Decolonizing My Life Post Cult
As many of you know, I was raised in a religious cult. Though it
masqueraded as a mainstream version of Christianity, it had its own codes and
symbols that would be unrecognizable to an outsider. It kept us inside its
walls, though to the rest of the world we could come and go freely.
I was educated from first grade
through my first college degree in their schools barring one year at Portland
State University. I left despite a full ride scholarship because I lost a bet
with my mother who was deeply worried that I would leave the cult should I
remain.
To tell the whole truth, I was
a little worried I would too; it was so colorful, so self-confident,
so...alive. So I slunk back to cult-land and finished my degree at an outpost
university in England. There, I left the cult in my heart and mind but
continued to attend school until I had my degree... and promptly had a nervous
breakdown in Thailand after graduation because the stress of starting a life
outside the boundaries of salvation was overwhelming.
I reset the clock for my
personal expectations when I left the church at 21. From that day forward I was
a babe, slowly growing to the point I now find myself at--40 to the world, but
really, 19 in Post Cult (PC) years.
I met my partner, Tobias at age
12 PC and have wondered over the ensuing 7 years where the fun, increasingly
light and accomplished person I was becoming disappeared to almost as soon as
we discovered we were having a child.
Tobias reflected to me a couple
years back that I seemed to have fallen under some patriarchal spell of
"the good wife and mother" role. This was baffling to him as he was
raised to expect women to be empowered and have fulfilling work as well as a
family. I could only agree and yet somehow, feel powerless to halt my
auto-pilot that said good mothers stay home with their children until they are
grown and feel resentful towards their husbands if they are not emotional and
spiritual leaders in the home.
Alongside this script playing
out like a well rehearsed scene, was the 12 PC year old saying,
"HEY!!! This isn't what I signed up for! There is something deeply WRONG
here!!! Wake up! WAKE UP!"
But Sleeping Beauty was in
Zombie Cult Wife mode which I have JUST started coming out of . It's a
fascinating experience realizing that there are timed-release programs uploaded
into my brain that start spooling out code when certain switches are thrown.
Having a child.
Noticing the aging process.
I can only imagine which other
life events will trigger the RUN PROGRAM sequence that will have me leaning
towards Culty Stepford Wifing.
It's wild to realize that I am
basically a self-opening time capsule of Saturday Jesus Land. I don't have to
think about how I will know when to crack the seal, it will just happen
automatically because it KNOWS WHAT TO DO. I can only say, "Nice work,
cult. Job well done." Talk about internalized oppression, I've been out 19
years and they had me whipping myself in large part for the last 7 years. Very
effective.
The real Good News is that I
reprogrammed my limbic system to function normally instead of being on
Armaggedon Alert constantly, which has made this particular realization quite
alright. In fact, I am feeling very grateful that it's only taken me 7 years to
unravel and deconstruct what was trying to happen.
The question I find myself
wondering is how I can listen more deeply to the 19 PC year old that has
figured out wisdom that makes me happy. I imagine what the last 7 years could
have looked like if the WIFE and MOTHER programs hadn't started running. A
couple things are certain,
I would have been dancing more.
I would have continued to
embrace my sensuality.
I would have written more.
I would have laughed more.
I would have been sillier.
I would have taken more time to
feel beautiful.
As it stands, I'm not dead yet,
so there's still time to be vibrant, outspoken, unapologetic, transformative,
passionate, and wildly creative.
So I have to name the
oppression and the elements of programming I can see. I'll start with the
expectations:
Good mothers stay home and care
for their children.
Wives are generally unsatisfied
with their husbands.
Husbands are supposed to be the
breadwinners.
Wives are supposed to be
sexually available to fulfill their husbands.
Mothers should plan elaborate
parties for their children and take them to endless lessons, classes, and
activities.
Mothers should be constantly
worried about their child's health and well being.
Wives should cook, keep house,
and make their husband's dinner, lunch and breakfast.
Wives should feel resentful of
their husbands making money but not have a career.
Wives and mothers should feel
their purpose is to care for their family.
I'll probably have more as time
goes on but this is a good start.
These are not binary, but
rather, evolve over time and take on a life and interpretation of their own,
either through embracing them or rebelling against them while simultaneously
experiencing guilt over transgressing the known values.
Next steps will involve
imagining an experience as wife and as mother that allows me to feel energized
and inspired, connected and clear. I don't know how yet, but I KNOW the path
will appear.
It will.
Please comment below; I love to
hear your thoughts and responses to these stories...
yes, the sda religion rules are there to hold you down, keep you fearful, judge people, that arent quite as christian as you are. I got out when i was 14, & I turn 69 in april. free at last, but it took me a very long time to come to terms with it. lucky for me, i have a sister that left also! eat the pork, life is short ! xo
ReplyDeleteI was raised very traditional southern (North Carolina) non denominational Christian which was also very restrictive and certainly did not respect freedom of thought. Couple that with a very toxic controlling mother who was paranoid and afraid of the world. Much repression and guilt laid on me like a blanket. I try so very hard to take away the positive teachings and uplifting words... My life struggle has been breaking free and growing. Feeling the sun, planting my roots, and doing what was right. I believe in the basic tenets of religion...at least as much as I followed.
ReplyDeleteLove as you would wish to be loved. Accept others as you would wish to be accepted. Show respect. Have understanding and be patient.
I do not place judgement on these stipulations...and this is the beautiful idea I pulled from my years in this system of teaching.
Love you and think you are beautiful. I remember your adorable red rain boots and your there's still time to be vibrant, outspoken, unapologetic, transformative, passionate, and wildly creative. Remember your energy taking photos. You connected with people. Live a happy life. I'm doing it too. Much much much much love to you Jaime.
I really appreciate this post. It reflects so much of what I've been feeling lately. I wasn't raised in a religious cult, but I've had the same feelings of loss of self, loss of joy, dissatisfaction, irritation, resentment. I am reminded of Betty Fridan's Feminine Mistique. I never actually got through the book, but saw a writing recently that mentions the nagging dissatisfaction women in the 50s felt about their lives & prescribed roles as mothers & housewives. Though it was generally dismissed as "that's life", apparently Betty Fridan names it in the book.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm closer than 7 years to that light and increasingly confident & accomplished person I was becoming, but it would be so easy for those years to slip by. Thank you for naming this - the programming, the expectations (yes! All of those!). I look forward to hearing how you get back to yourself & your joy. I am looking for my path back, too.
Oh Jamie, this is so beautiful. I find myself in the lines you write. Love from London. xox
ReplyDelete