Brain Threelesses, Tobias and A Big Journey Ahead
Sitting in Love Cafe (lion in Danish) with Tobias the morning after being told he has a brain tumor, the world is both realer and bizarre than ever.
The good news of course is that it is non cancerous right now and small and easy to get to. I am thinking of it like a PAP smear where they tell you they've found irregular cells that are pre-cancerous and recommend removal or some such.
On the one hand it's like "Hooray! Little brain threelesses are much better than other things that could be happening!" On the other hand it's like, "Brain threeless."
In case you're wondering what the hell a threeless is, it's what we want to happen rather than the additive nature of the standard word for these things. Work it out. Just count down one and add the opposite of less.
A friend asked me last year what advice I would give her father who was going through cancer, since I was a survivor and all. I'm reminded of that now....
...in reflecting on my experience with cancer, it's clear how attached I was to this notion of fixedness in the body...like, this should NOT be happening...and yet, the nature of being in bodies is that it ALL changes. It's just our perceptions of what is appropriate change that get stuck in the ruts. So honestly, the best advice I could give is to accept the cancer and continue making choices about the things you can control-like where you allow your mind to go or not go, what you put into your body and how you want to move through the world and your relationships. He still has tons of choice. Really, all the same ones he had before the word cancer was handed to him. So remembering that you still have agency is hugely empowering when navigating something with so many cultural connotations surrounding it...
I'm really glad I had a chance to prepare for this, even though it's with different specifics. Because this is a big deal. No doubt.
It's an initiation of the highest magnitude-facing your own mortality or that of someone you love. I have to bow to the power of this encounter.
At the same time, we have choices, we have agency, we get to decide how to move forward and how to dance with this change.
I could chose to let the monkey mind spin me with all its predictions and anxieties, because of course they are there.
OR I could chose to acknowledge that they are there, and move my focus from what might happen to what we want to create here.
I told Tobias that I loved his threeless because it came from his body with a message. It was part of his physical reality. And I also hold that if his body created it, his body can heal it. That we can hear, process and release.
That is not wishful thinking. It is leveling up.
Over the last year, I have watched my body heal itself from Lyme disease, Epstein Barr, the dreaded gene, Cat-scratch fever, food allergies, mold allergies and dust allergies, to being able to eat what I want, go where I want and have excess energy by the end of the day.
I KNOW that the body can heal itself from things that might seem insurmountable. I'm living it.
And I have cried alot today, both because initiation is quite often scary as fuck and also because I am so blown away by the scope of Tobias' journey, his strength, his love and this huge quest before him.
He has faced so many challenges already this week and will have many more to face before he completes his quest...yet I know that he will rise to each occasion with his very best and his very bravest self.
It's humbling as hell to be his closest witness, knowing that I have been where he is and that he must walk the path of the Brave, of the Warrior on his own two feet and through the byways of his own heart and mind.
I remember my journey into darkness and facing death. I remember the fear and the uncertainty and ultimately the freedom and strength that emerged.
So now I am here to witness Tobias' unfurling into the magic and power of who he is here to be. I hope that those of you who have faced your own death can hold space and honor his journey too.
For those of you who have not stared death in the eyes, I hope you wrap your faith and your support and your love around him so when he is weary or feeling overwhelmed, he can be soothed by your kindness and warmth.
I believe in his power to heal himself. I call forth all the guides and angels and being of light to assist him and remind him of his strength. I bow to his journey.
Let the healing begin.
The good news of course is that it is non cancerous right now and small and easy to get to. I am thinking of it like a PAP smear where they tell you they've found irregular cells that are pre-cancerous and recommend removal or some such.On the one hand it's like "Hooray! Little brain threelesses are much better than other things that could be happening!" On the other hand it's like, "Brain threeless."
In case you're wondering what the hell a threeless is, it's what we want to happen rather than the additive nature of the standard word for these things. Work it out. Just count down one and add the opposite of less.
A friend asked me last year what advice I would give her father who was going through cancer, since I was a survivor and all. I'm reminded of that now....
...in reflecting on my experience with cancer, it's clear how attached I was to this notion of fixedness in the body...like, this should NOT be happening...and yet, the nature of being in bodies is that it ALL changes. It's just our perceptions of what is appropriate change that get stuck in the ruts. So honestly, the best advice I could give is to accept the cancer and continue making choices about the things you can control-like where you allow your mind to go or not go, what you put into your body and how you want to move through the world and your relationships. He still has tons of choice. Really, all the same ones he had before the word cancer was handed to him. So remembering that you still have agency is hugely empowering when navigating something with so many cultural connotations surrounding it...
I'm really glad I had a chance to prepare for this, even though it's with different specifics. Because this is a big deal. No doubt.
It's an initiation of the highest magnitude-facing your own mortality or that of someone you love. I have to bow to the power of this encounter.
At the same time, we have choices, we have agency, we get to decide how to move forward and how to dance with this change.
I could chose to let the monkey mind spin me with all its predictions and anxieties, because of course they are there.
OR I could chose to acknowledge that they are there, and move my focus from what might happen to what we want to create here.
I told Tobias that I loved his threeless because it came from his body with a message. It was part of his physical reality. And I also hold that if his body created it, his body can heal it. That we can hear, process and release.
That is not wishful thinking. It is leveling up.
Over the last year, I have watched my body heal itself from Lyme disease, Epstein Barr, the dreaded gene, Cat-scratch fever, food allergies, mold allergies and dust allergies, to being able to eat what I want, go where I want and have excess energy by the end of the day.
I KNOW that the body can heal itself from things that might seem insurmountable. I'm living it.
And I have cried alot today, both because initiation is quite often scary as fuck and also because I am so blown away by the scope of Tobias' journey, his strength, his love and this huge quest before him.He has faced so many challenges already this week and will have many more to face before he completes his quest...yet I know that he will rise to each occasion with his very best and his very bravest self.
It's humbling as hell to be his closest witness, knowing that I have been where he is and that he must walk the path of the Brave, of the Warrior on his own two feet and through the byways of his own heart and mind.
I remember my journey into darkness and facing death. I remember the fear and the uncertainty and ultimately the freedom and strength that emerged.
So now I am here to witness Tobias' unfurling into the magic and power of who he is here to be. I hope that those of you who have faced your own death can hold space and honor his journey too.
For those of you who have not stared death in the eyes, I hope you wrap your faith and your support and your love around him so when he is weary or feeling overwhelmed, he can be soothed by your kindness and warmth.
I believe in his power to heal himself. I call forth all the guides and angels and being of light to assist him and remind him of his strength. I bow to his journey.
Let the healing begin.
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